Good day to you, peeps… Hope the day is moving smoothly. I woke up today with a sprained elbow, a swollen eye, and slap marks all over my face. Reason: because of the word “twaleh”. I know a number of you would be wondering how one word could have such impact in my life, I’ll tell you why.
Twaleh is a salutatory term used by street urchins, touts, area boiz, etc to hail their superiors and Godfathers in the streets. For my non-Nigerian readers (actually, I can only recall one, from Congo DR) go to google and type “twaleh, jooor oh!” and see what comes up. Nigerians truly are one of the most dynamic people in the world.
Yesterday, I got drunk. Yes, my “Good-boy” friend and I went out with other “Bad-boy” friends of ours, and since we both didn’t wanna look like 2 sissies, we also ordered two bottles of stout, and topped it with another of “Alomo” each. How can we be taking maltina when everyone else was with beer in one hand, cigarette in the other. I didn’t enjoy the taste one bit, but as long as I was looking cool, and tough in the midst of the other guys, I was okay with myself. My fellow beer-rookie, Doyin didn’t fare much better either, he had started dozing right after the second bottle! #OdeBuruku
After the drinking exercise, it was time to go home, it was dark, around past 8… And since I was too “tipsy” to drive, my stupid friend wasn’t faring any better, we had to beg another of our friends to help. So, there I was, sitting next to the driver, with my pathetically drunk friend in the backseat screaming and singing “Twaleh! Baba o! Joor oh”. I was getting restless, then suddenly I started feeling funny, the whole world started turning in circles….
Suddenly an idea came up in my head. I told the guy driving to slow down, keep to the slow lane, close to the pedestrian walk, so I could slap people’s asses, laugh at them and zoom off. And so the fun began…
The only people we avoided were the adults, I’ve never slapped as many asses in my life like I did yesterday. Boy, girl, hard, soft, big, small… We would simply slow down, get close enough, I’ll reach out, smack you on the butt, laugh at you, my friend, Doyin would scream “twaleh” and the driver zooms off! People swore at us: “ur fada” “oloriburuku” “drunk bastards” etc… Some even tried to chase us… Hehe! It was like heaven suddenly opened, I felt emancipated! Nothing felt beta than the sound of an ass slap…. And ofcuz, the sound of “twaleh” that came with it. My idiot friend had suddenly become a genius.
This went on for about 45 minutes, with over 30 asses smacked, the alcohol was wearing out, we were tiring and decided to stop, den suddenly I saw a young man, a Hausa man to be precise, bending over a suya table, with his ass nicely shot out, ready for my spanking, I asked the guy driving to let me take one last shot, and that was the biggest mistake of my life! The driver obliged, went straight for him, I smacked, doyin screamed twaleh, and we zoomed off! Thinking we were “safe”, we decided to stop and rest a couple of yards down the road before eventually going home, but how wrong we were…
As we stopped, suddenly two bikes parked right in front of us, each carrying two men, holding sticks and kobokos, walking towards us, one glance at their faces and I immediately recognized the Hausa guy at the suya table, I knew we were dead!
“Kai, shey na you beat me por mai yansh, ko?” He queried.
I was too scared to utter a word.
“Twaleh” screamed my idiot friend.
“Wallahi, na dem, he talk am por twaleh as he beat me por yansh”
And instead of my friend to shut up…
“Twaleh” he repeated.
They pounced on us, and while the driver guy was screaming “fuck, damn” from the beatings, and I was screaming “Jesus, Jesu kristi”, my idiot friend kept saying one thing… “Twaleh”.
Boy, the beating wasn’t nice at all, and while it was going on, I started having flashbacks, all the asses I had spanked, they started coming back… I felt I was gonna die. But thank God, they weren’t boko haramists, and after like 10 minutes of heavy pounding, they let us go.
I really don’t have much to say anymore, lesson learnt… No more drinking for me. So, while I lay in bed, nursing my wounds, reminiscing… I wish you just one thing: May you never get the twaleh treatment in your life, whether deservedly or not. Nobody deserves to go through such unsubsidized pains…. Hehe. My pain is your pleasure.
T. O. Alegbe (Author)
Do your friends influence you?